My new therapist told me she wants to talk about my childhood. Which is a rich and depressing subject. At the same time my autistic friend told me I show signs of autism, all because I found her stories relatable. This brought me to a meandering world of memories trying to decipher which behaviour of mine is autistic. I have studied psychology and the DSM diagnosis of autism is pretty rigid and clear. I'm going to copy and paste because its important and my memory isn’t perfect:-
A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history
Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.
Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.
Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.
B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, currently or by history
Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).
Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).
Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g, strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interest).
Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).
C. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).
D. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning
E. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.
Since it asks to focus on early development it does take me back to my childhood days of being a weird kid. I tried v hard to fit in, mimicked whoever I thought was interesting especially their accents. I remember not getting the subtle hints of kids asking me to leave, and when I got it, I would hate them for the subtlety. I was rude direct, abrupt at times. I did not understand a teachers right to sit on the best seat of the bus, when they taught us in school we were all equal! Same for visitors; why would some people sit on plastic chairs while others on sofas. That one I still don't get for a different reason now. I hated myself for it all. I would want to disappear after any of these interactions. It was painful. I also had to train myself to look people in the eye. However now I'm much better with all of it. Right now my friend group does have people on the spectrum and I prefer how we clearly communicate. So 'A' used to be true but now its fine. I can look people in the eye, I pick up on subtle hints and I try not to take it personally when I make faux pas.
I don’t know about B, I didn’t and don’t like changes, but that was life with my father in the army. Also if sensations would have bothered me it would have been a nightmare with the amount of times we shifted houses. Sometimes when it was too much my father would reassure me I would get habituated and I did. I do remember hating woolens I couldn’t do it they were to rough, but I think thats just sensitive skin. As for the last part I used to be intensely into books exclusively the fictional ones. I could be lost in it for days, hated surfacing out of it. Hated school work or anything that made me put my book down. I did mess up my 10th board exams because I was reading the 6th harry potter book. Is this what B means? B is a- I don’t think so
So I don’t know maybe. Here's the thing I also had an unstable unpredictable mother at home. It made home life very chaotic and unsafe. I had major social anxieties with my father moving every 2 years. As an adult I was diagnosed by a therapist with having General Anxiety Disorder. So all this could also be explained with high anxiety. on that note- in 12th grade I had diagnosed my mother with schizophrenia. From my psychology textbook mind you, not the unreliable internet, so I believed it was legit. Then I met a therapist- and she told me high anxiety can absolutely manifest in paranoia and compulsions. So my conclusion was not objective or final. Honestly if you think hard enough you can find symptoms for anything. All of this is so subjective and up in the air if I believe I don’t have autism I can find plenty of examples of that as well. As my sisters meditation teacher told her in class 6th- Mind is like a monkey jumping from branch to branch. Best to find a therapist or psychiatrist you believe and let them ask you the questions.
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