Festival Complications

 

Growing up in a complicated family dynamic makes you very sensitive to conflict. A slight glance, a clipped gesture, even a hanging silence—the atmosphere shifts, and you can feel it in the back of your neck.

So when one sibling talks to his brother in barely controlled irritation, and a daughter-in-law avoids her mother-in-law’s gaze, we sensitive folk feel it like beetles under the skin. Result two sisters forcing smiles. Welcome to the setting of our Diwali.

I guess Diwali or any festival for that matter, forces us to interact and work together. Even if you have avoided someone all year you have to tell them to get ready, come for puja, greet guests, or simply sit down to eat. This is enough to force hidden dynamics to the surface.

Scene 1, backstory- An elder brother who has taken the helm of all family finances. The younger brother while hasn’t helped has opinions. Although irked the elder one has largely ignored this. Today however younger brother wants sweets and doesn’t know how to get to the shop. Acting helpless, in a busy moment and testing everyone’s patience. The elder snaps, frustration spilling in front of guests.

Unfortunately, there is another way to look it. The younger brother never handled family finances; the elder took over without seeking help. He shared updates out of routine. Frustration from carrying the load alone sometimes surfaced, but the elder never voiced his struggles or asked for support. Now, the younger tries to help with suggestions, not realizing the dynamics have changed. Previously, they agreed on key decisions—today, the younger thinks he's helping, unaware things aren't as they once were. Yes, the younger one does comes off as a little clueless. But clueless people exist, and sometimes we need to have tough conversations with them. Like telling them the issues and our expectations clearly. That is the only way you will know if they will step up or back out.  

There now we understand both sides and can all be stuck helplessly in the middle with no way to help anyone. Why? Because you may know all of this but you aren’t that close to either person to offer unsolicited advice. Welcome to every Diwali celebration family dynamic ever.

Pre therapy me would have tried to worm her way in. She would ask probing questions, talk to each person and would without a doubt, have made it worse. Post-therapy me smiles, steps out to help in the kitchen, or diverts conversation with a self-deprecating joke.

It is kind of like being in a maze where you can see all the rigged traps. But thankfully because you have been here a million times, sometimes with a guide, you know how to avoid it. People laugh; take the digs they need to, burst crackers and eat the hastily bought sweets. Post therapy me is proud.

Here is a tip, the only tip I can give from my experience. To anyone trying to survive whichever festival they are going through: if you’re cornered for advice, listen without judging, sympathize neutrally, and gently suggest family therapy. If they take it, great. If not, you’ve set your boundary. Remember it is not your responsibility to fix what’s broken. Actually, another tip; If  these conflicts make you feel very anxious and helpless; one way to consider helping yourself is therapy. It might help, definitely helped me. All the best!